So I found this writing recently. A friend gave me a journal and said, “It might help to record your thoughts.” So……where to begin.
We always look back and say….”If we knew then what we know now…” And so I begin back on February 26, 1996. At least that’s the date I wrote in the book. (19 months before William died)………………………..
It’s been one week now. Who could have ever told me we’d be where we are today. Dealing with cancer…..even HOPING it’s one kind versus another?! The thoughts I’ve had…the oddities. The UNREAL part. I never thought it was so bad….or could be. Just a fall….a little surgery….a benign mass…..something we can take care of easily. But this?!
We’re still hanging on to the REAL possibility that it’s the non-aggressive type. But then we hung onto the possibility of a mature “dead” cell….and it wasn’t.
I guess we’re really scared to death. But look at William….up running around, happy, goofy, laughing. Will this get worse? Are we through the worst of it?
(I must intervene here and say….good God, if we only knew! The worst of it? Really?!)
I know there are no answers to so many questions. I need William now. We all do. His carefree, laid back nature. He’s the mediator in the house…..If we didn’t have William in common, would we find laughter? I guess he’s a piece of our family puzzle that’s now shattered. Or is it? Once again, I see him laughing and goofy and we’re all still hanging in there. Brian (his brother) says we are “about back to normal now.” Wow!!! If he only knew.
Our friend who gave us this journal suggested it as a book of prayers. Prayer is a funny thing right now. I’m so happy to have everyone elses. But how do I go about this? In one way it’s automatic. All day. I talk to God. Does that count? What do I say specifically now?
God….don’t let William hurt!! Don’t let him cry. Don’t let him have to deal with topics of pain and suffering and death. He’s only seven! Let us know what to say to him….and to each other. If there is to be good come out of this, let it come quickly and let this be over. That’s all I really want. All I can think to ask for.
My mind is shutting down like it has so often in the last few days. Let me be there for William. Amen.
Kathy Shoaf said:
“I must intervene here and say….good God, if we only knew! The worst of it? Really?!”
I think we can all relate to this sentiment. Even when death comes suddenly and unexpectedly you have no idea of the depths of grief. A friend I work with at church recently reminded me that right after Ryan’s death I told her I would need a month or two and then I’d be back up to full speed. Sheesh! In retrospect I guess its a good thing that I didn’t know the pure hell that was ahead of me.
Kay Windsor said:
And you were, are and will always be there for William.