Tags
baptism outfits, Children, empty seats, Infant bodysuit, IV antibiotics, onesies, ragtag blankets, ratty board books, sirens, spinal taps, white eyelet dress
I packed away tights with ruffled hineys
And onesies that snap on the bottom
And overalls
Made of navy blue corduroy
I packed away baptism outfits
With perfectly smocked
Breasts and
A cross etched across the heart
I packed away ragtag blankets
Stained with milk and tears
And a toddler’s
Sleepless night
I packed away blue stuffed bears
And pink elephants
And ratty board books
Jagged with marks from newly erupted teeth
I packed away cords and monitors
With lights blinking
And shots meant to protect
And nebulizers
I packed away sirens
And five am
Heart pounding
Checks on my children
I packed away empty seats
At my table
Of five
Meant for six
I packed away tears
And anger
And good china
Thrown across the room
I packed away aching
Breasts
Filled with too much
Milk that had nowhere to nourish
I packed away snapshots
Of an house
Once filled with
Innocence
I packed away hospital stays
And too early babies
Who needed
Spinal taps and IV antibiotics
I packed away septic infections
And wheezing
And nights
Without sleep by a hospital bed or a crib
I packed away a little
Girl’s longing
To know
A sister she never met
I packed away a midnight
Fear that Mommy died
In a family
Who knew death too well
I packed away too serious
Eyes on a three year old
Who
Saw too much
I packed away a white
Eyelet dress and a bonnet and my heart
Into the cold
Earth
I remember packing away all those baby clothes–so many were loans from people I had just met in recent months, since our move from New York City to small-town Rhode Island.
We couldn’t fit a baby in our tiny one-bedroom, third-floor walk-up city apartment so we moved out of the city when I was four months pregnant. We bought a house in a day, in a town close to the train station. My husband and I could both commute to the city. We weren’t sure how any of that would work but we figured it would.
Things worked out. That’s what we thought.
An old family friend lived in the community and she introduced me to many fine women. They had a shower for me and many lent me onesies, a stroller and changing table, cute terry outfits with feet and matching hats. I unpacked, admired, and stowed in the baby bureau boxes worth of hand-me-downs from my new friends.
And then Malcolm was born. And then he was sick. And then he died. And I had a house full of baby things to pack away and return to their owners.
We packed the whole house away.
And moved.
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