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This was written the day after returning from our spring writing retreat at the beach. One of Carol’s prompts for the weekend was, “Since you’re going to be me.” We were to give instructions to an imaginary ‘someone’ to carry out our day. Mine was very task-oriented and not worth sharing on our blog. However, what I wrote below is worthy…

Don’t Come Today

May 16, 2011

I don’t know what I was thinking yesterday when I left you the instructions for being me today. Completely trash them! Today is my oldest son’s 26th birthday. Wesley is his name—Wes for short.

I don’t really want you to come today as you couldn’t possibly fill my shoes on this day. You would be like one of the 1000s of other people who have said through these last 9 years “I cannot imagine how you do it.” Even if you had lost a child it would be unfair to you, wouldn’t it? Your grief cannot be my grief. I wouldn’t expect that of you.

If you had arrived at my door last night I may have let you in for just a while. It was nice on my back porch with the lower humidity and cool breeze. Hope and Blaine had a great weekend together and you would have felt welcomed. But I would still have sent you home by the time Hope went to bed.

Honestly, I didn’t think about today much last night. I was so tired. As much as I love my weekends with my sol sisters, I always come home drained. (Mental note—I cannot let that happen in France!!! Oh, don’t think you can take my place to go on that trip…ain’t happenin’!) Anyway, when I awoke this morning I had forgotten what today was. That made me really sad when Blaine came up to me for our ‘good-bye, have a great day’ kiss. He said, “Happy birthday, Wes.” See, you couldn’t have been here for that. I didn’t let on that I hadn’t come to that realization yet. Just a big sigh. You couldn’t have sighed that big.

So, as I sit here having my hour of ‘piddle time’ (which will be over in 4 minutes as it’s 8:56) drinking my blueberry cobbler coffee with coconut creamer, I wonder what our 26-year-old son Wes would have been like. I know you couldn’t have done that…

You can come tomorrow, I suppose.